Focus on Understanding, Not on Responding

Most of us have dozens of conversations every day. Conversations with coworkers or customers, classmates at school, colleagues over lunch, friends on the golf course, our family around the dinner table, a casual acquaintance at the gym, or even the occasional stranger in line at the coffee shop. Ranging from mundane to fascinating and everything in between, these conversations are a beautiful tangle of words and laughter, murmurs and smiles, short pauses and serious nods.

Whether you are reserved and introverted or boisterous and talkative, every conversation is a give and take of speaking and listening. Even when not doing the talking, our non-verbal communication still speaks volumes. Smiling or frowning, head nodding or shaking, arms crossed or relaxed, eyes focused or wandering—we all communicate, whether we’re talking or not.

If we were to carefully examine and thoughtfully reflect on our conversations throughout the day, I think most of us would find a particular trend: No matter the topic of conversation, we tend to make it about ourselves.

Let me explain. Let’s say in most conversations we do roughly half of the talking and half of the listening. But when we’re listening, what are we really doing? If we’re honest with ourselves, most of us have listening skills that are mediocre at best. Even when we are attentive, make eye contact, and refrain from interrupting, very often our listening is more focused on ourselves than on the person speaking.

How so? As the late Stephen R. Covey once said, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

Think about that for a minute. How often in a conversation, when listening to another person speak, are you already thinking about what you’re going to say next? I know I do this all the time. The motivation behind what I want to say may vary from situation to situation, but ultimately, by focusing on my own response more than on what the other person is saying, I am making the conversation about me, my words, and my perspective.

I think we often give ourselves points for even being fully engaged in the conversation instead of thinking about our to-do list, planning what to order for lunch, or checking a quick text message on our phone. We think if we’re paying attention, then we must be listening well. But “paying attention” doesn’t necessarily equal “listening and understanding.”

I challenge you, as you engage in various conversations today, to notice where your mind goes when listening to the other speaker(s). Are you really focusing on what they are saying with the intent of understanding? Or are you already considering your response or how you can add to the conversation?

Be a truly good listener. Focus on understanding, not on responding!